


Everything Else

by Lillian_theRENThead



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 2x22, Dean Winchester Has Issues, Dean Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Season/Series 02, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:00:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27687277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillian_theRENThead/pseuds/Lillian_theRENThead
Summary: He can deal with feeling like crap all the time. He can deal with hating himself, he can deal with having to drag himself out of bed, he can do it. If he can keep working and saving people, he’ll be fine. But being scared of your own mind is something else.
Relationships: Bobby Singer & Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 11





	Everything Else

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags. This is about Dean thinking about his issues and his struggles with mental illness. It mentions suicide so please be careful. This takes place during Bobby and Dean's conversation about Dean's deal to save Sam in 2x22.

‘’Are you that screwed in the head?’’

Yes.

Yes. Well, maybe. Probably.

Yes.

It was supposed to be a throwaway line. Something Bobby said just to get his attention. But it stays in his mind, ringing relentlessly between his ears. He doesn’t think Bobby is really looking for an answer, it just sounds good in his ‘Dean You Fucking Idiot’ speech. He doesn’t really hear the rest of it. He says something about how he can’t let Sam die, which is true, but at this point its just a part of going through the motions, saying what Bobby expects him to say.

His mind is somewhere else. He doesn’t even know where it is. These days his mind doesn’t really let him in on the program, it just drags him around. It decides how he feels even if whatever he’s feeling doesn’t make sense for that moment. It doesn’t let him sleep, until that’s all it wants to do. It forces him to keep hunting, keep working non stop even after it's physically impossible. Even after it tells him to turn the gun towards himself.

That he has under control. But he’s terrified one day he’ll lose that battle. That whatever’s going on up there will win.

He can deal with feeling like crap all the time. He can deal with hating himself, he can deal with having to drag himself out of bed, he can do it. If he can keep working and saving people, he’ll be fine. But being scared of your own mind is something else. It’s like white hot pain searing through his entire body, waiting for him to give into it and let the pain take him over.

It’s hard. Everything is hard, everything hurts. But what hurts the most is having Sam right there in the bed next to his, in the passenger’s seat or standing right next to him. Knowing that all he has to do is say something and Sam would immediately be there with him, helping him out of the mess that is his mind. But he can’t. It’s pathetic, but he just can’t.

He can’t.

He can’t go on like this much longer either. What was once a psyche filled with small cracks is now a shattered mess. He can feel the sharp edges stabbing him. He won't be able to hide it anymore eventually. Maybe Bobby wasn’t really looking for an answer now, but he will be soon. Sam’s worried glances will turn into questions. Questions that hurt to hear. Questions he won’t have answers to.

All he wants to do is say yes. He wants to tell Bobby that it’s bad, too bad for him to handle alone. He wants to cry. He wants to scream and cry and demand to know why this is happening to him. What did he do to deserve feeling like this. He wants to tell Bobby he’s hurting. He wants Bobby to hug him tight enough that maybe it’d put him back together.

But he can’t.

But it doesn’t really matter anymore, does it? One more year. Sure, he’ll be in Hell. But in Hell he won’t have to pretend he’s okay. There won’t be any reason to fight it. He can surrender to the storm raging in his head. No Dad or Bobby to make proud, no Sam to put on a brave face for, only him. Just him alone and broken. He won’t be okay. He won’t be able to deal with it. But that’s okay. Pain beyond what you can handle is the point of Hell, isn’t it?

Maybe it’s where he’s meant to be.

He wonders what would happen if he actually said it. If he looked Bobby in the eye and said ‘’Yes. I’m broken. I’m screwed in the head.’’ Asking for help isn’t his strongest suit, but maybe he wouldn’t have to ask. Maybe Bobby would just know. Maybe Bobby and Sam are just waiting for him to say something. Maybe they’re already planning to toss him in a rubber room. Maybe Bobby would think he doesn’t really mean it. He has no idea how he’d respond to that.

So he’s probably better off keeping it to himself for as long as he can. One more year. One more year and worried glances, questions no one actually wants the answers to and broken minds won’t matter anymore. 

He obviously won’t be happy, being in Hell won’t be a pleasant experience, it will be worse than he can possibly imagine. But maybe having to hide his pain really is what’s getting to him. Pretending to be something he’s not. In Hell he won’t have to do that anymore.

Maybe then he’ll be okay. 

Maybe.

Maybe. Probably not. No. 

Maybe.

**Author's Note:**

> Wow I haven't written in fic in almost a year so I'm a little rusty. Thank you so much for reading my first fic for Supernatural! I know it isn't much but I hope I did okay.  
> Feedback is greatly appreciated  
> I'm @lilliantherenthead on tumblr, come talk to me, I'd love to be friends!


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